Playing with Water

A public demonstration of an inward proclamation is how my pastor would describe baptism; yesterday 6 folks, with whom I worship made such a vow. It was a wonderful day, and it left my heart feeling a bit tender. I want to sit here and say that my memory of yesterday was the baptism, but I will always remember my niece, who with a grin you'd find on a kid's face in Disneyland, plotted with her mom on how to throw water on me. I could see her whispering, and giggling as she aimed for a way to exact her revenge. You see, I had poured water on her mom after a garage sale a few weeks earlier, and then chased her mom and poured more water on her when she tried to retaliate. My niece was upset that night and she screamed, "Uncle Will, stop chasing Mommy," to which mom had to run over and try to console her and let her know that mommy and Uncle Will were just playing. All that was forgotten as she giggled and snickered at the chance to splash me. She made her move, she tried to strike quickly and as she approached she was stymied by uncertainty - as she crept forward with a child like exuberance I outstretched my arm, she reared hers back but before she let it fly, I said, "My water's cold, and I'll get you back." She dropped the water bottle and walked away feeling a bit defeated. She then turned her attention to Daddy. She'd get daddy instead. I wish she would have gotten me, but we got to play later when we ran around the park chasing bubbles. I loved playing with JD yesterday. The only thing that would've topped it is if I was playing with Jashod, Ciara and Brianna too.

I cannot say that I had such luck with G, I jumped and taunted her to throw water on me. Before I continue, I don't think there was much wisdom in my persistence with G. It would be like putting gasoline on a fire and not expecting it to burn when lit. I definitely lit that fuse, and antagonized her, I guess the fun of it was the teasing, and sure enough she unleashed her furry and threw a chilling cup of water all over my shirt and on my face. I quickly ran to the table, grabbing a whole gallon of water to dump on her, when in slow motion I saw Big Rafa appear from the depths of obscurity, he was really behind a shade canopy, and in one gesture dispelled any notion of continued folly. He raised his hands, shook his head in disapproval and as if removing a weapon from a confused attacker said, "Don't do it brother, it's not worth it." Then his wifey jumped forward and gave me the "Willis" look. Yes the "Willis" look, the one that stops traffic, makes a gangster cry and has a thief crying for mommy. Don't ever have to deal with the "Willis" look, it will not go well.

There seems to be a consensus that there is someone who fills our hearts with joy, who loves life, loves food, lives in every moment, and always says the most random things. She has a spirit and an energy that makes everyone smile when they get an opportunity to be in her presence. I watched a movie with her yesterday, and after she told me she didn't want any popcorn or soda, drank and ate the popcorn and soda that I brought into the movie. It was fun seeing her having fun. She reminds me of the relationship I have with my own sister, and I've come to care about her as much; we shared a laugh yesterday when we both came to notice the unkept feet of a friend. The first thing I thought was that he hadn't finished his transformation into a werewolf, his toenails were so long he could have climbed a telephone poll barefoot. He tried to dip them into the sand to hide them from view, but inadvertently poked Satan in the eye. I advised him to go home and use some garden shears to cut 'em down.

Sunday was fun, the picnic was a blast, the baptism was spiritually uplifting, the laughter was loving, the teasing, the folly, the traded jabs, and the needy jewels of wisdom that were passed on made the day comfortable as I imagine heaven to one day be. I also learned a valuable lesson from a friend when he uttered words that I've come to value - "There is no negotiating with an Indian woman," I, thinking he was bluffing, tried my hand at it - you know, negotiating. After my bark was changed to a whimper and my tail gone from a wag to a wiggle, I realized that it's not just Indian woman. Now I wonder how much trouble I'm going to get in for that one. LOL.

My America

There are a plethora of issues that are weighing heavy on my mind as we will soon have to decide who the next president of the United States will be. With the subprime mortgage crisis, the quagmire in Iraq, the failing economy, the surge in energy and food prices, the paucity of accredited teachers working in American classrooms, dishonest lending practices and increasing interest rates on late fees and annual fees, the middle man in this country is being squeezed to it's breaking point. It seems that over the last few years, the rich have only gotten richer, and our government has only taken the side of big business and corporations as opposed to the middle man who depends on the government to protect them from most of what they've fallen victim to in the last 8 years. A balance is required; so what is it, and what's next? What is the balance between faith, and personal interests? One party has embraced the conservative Christian idealism that to me feels full of propoganda and hypocrisy, where another party doesn't put God in the agenda, but seems to care more about the lives regular people have.

Going to the polls, I come in with a varied perspective, as most people do. I am a black man in America. I am educated. I am employed. I am a Christian. Do I believe that one man, and one legislature can fix the ilnumerable problems the United States is facing right now. No, I cannot say that I do. I do believe that whomever is appointed will need to have the trusted council of persons who look at life from an empathetic, compassionate viewpoint, instead of a capitalistic one. Greed corrupts, and the abuse of power is often rooted in a desire to attain more and more items of opulence at the expense of any and everyone that is considered a lessor. I often feel that "Christians" miss the whole point of the moniker when they fail to love first and judge second. Given that viewpoint, voting is not a decision that is to be taken lightly.

When we're all standing before God and being judged for our actions, it is not going to be a public screening, it will be done in private, one man/woman before their creator. James tells us that true religious devotion to God is to bridle one's tongue, to visit orphans and widows in their afflictions, and to keep oneself unstained from the world (Jms. 1:27). The world is coming at us rapidly and if Christians are caught sleeping, we will wake up in a world that we were supposed to be influencing, but seems to have left us behind.

Something in Everything

Waking up this morning I feel a bit tired; my nose is stuffy, my eyes hurt, my throat feels sore, and my knees are a bit shaky. I don’t know if I feel like this because I’m getting sick or because I have to go to work. Just kidding; I love being able to get up and go to work. It definitely beats the alternative, which doesn’t require much imagination.

I watched a movie on Wednesday night, Kung Fu Panda, in the film the wise old turtle says, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.” I was talking to a friend yesterday and he mentioned some issues that he was having. I told him, “Live in the now, don’t concern yourself over what God has for you tomorrow, when it isn’t even promised – you know, yesterday is…” When I finished he had this look in his eyes that showed something had been illuminated in his mind, he shook his head and said, “Thanks man that was really profound, like some kind of eastern philosophy or something.” I wanted to take credit for the quote, but had to admit that I’d gotten it from a movie, when I told him which one, we both laughed. I think he’s planning on going this evening to see what other tidbits of information he can attain. It’s funny how the simplest things can derive the most pleasure. Something can be learned in anything, I believe.

Current Situations

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to lunch with some really good friends this week. During the meal, I made comments that showed how discontented I felt with my current situations to which the attendants responded - it's only a problem because you refuse to do anything about it. The biggest step you need to take in getting to where you want is the first one. I learned you cannot create that "magic" called attraction, but you can learn to appreciate such moments when they cross your path.

Kobe Couldn't Do...

I have heard it said on many occasion that Kobe Bryant is the reason for Shaq's divorce and departure from L.A. and that he is immature and selfish. I don't think there is a personality in the NBA that could rival the dogmatic quirks and remarks that belong to one Shaquille O'Neal. The new footage being aired on TMZ does not do anything to dispel my belief that he still resents Kobe and wishes he were a Los Angeles Laker.

Hip hop is all about battles, free styling, self expression. It's one thing to diss another MC, when there is the stage for oneupmanship, how notorious are the Jay Z and NAS battles, which ended with Jay Z's "Takeover" or 50 Cent and Ja Rule, where is Ja these days? It seems it won't be long before we're asking where's Shaq, he obviously didn't do anything in the playoffs this year and has the weak Dallas defense and Dwayne Wade's break out moment to thank for his last championship.

I cannot say that I've come to have any gained respect for Shaq when he says, "Kobe couldn't do without me...Kobe, tell me how my a#@ tastes," but I can say that I appreciate his unabashed way of making any interview interesting and any off moment colorful. Only time will tell who is going to be considered the greater player. I don't think anyone compares Shaq to Wilt Chamberlain or Kareem Abdul Jabbar, but it seems Kobe's name comes up often when discussions of who the best player ever was. Nobody can match Michael Jordan, but Kobe seems to be the only player to have caught a glimpse of his greatness.

Let's see what Phoenix is able to do next year with a new coach, and a new offensive system. The Western conference is only going to get better with Charlotte peaking, the Lakers adding Bynum and Portland getting Odom back. Hopefully Shaq will be the one to allow the sun to rise again in Phoenix, that's funny, when did it ever rise?

Marred Faces

I sit here this evening reminiscing on the words a very dear friend once said to me. I remember it as if it happened yesterday - who could forget jury duty although we'd all love to. The walk through the metal detector, the filling out of the form announcing your attendance, and the long painstaking wait for your name to be called in uncomfortable seats, overpriced vending machines, rude courtroom staff, and a bunch of trigger happy security guards itching for some real action - ok, maybe not the last part, but you get my drift.

Anyway, I was sitting in the back next to my friend when I heard the words that have to this point remained with me like an unwanted tattoo after a night of salacious meanderings (no experience there, wink wink); she said, "You'd be satisfied with your life if you're content with mediocrity." To quote Maxwell Smart, it was an "Unexpected kick in the gonads," but in retrospect, it was needed and appreciated. I know, somebody's thinking, "I've never appreciated a kick there." On any other day, I'd agree, but on that day it was profound. You see Galatians 5:6 reads that "what is important is that faith expresses itself in love," meaning that it's those that are closest to you that can cause you the most pain, but it also those who are closest to you, who care about you enough to tell you the truth - even when it is unpleasant - it's their expression of love. My brother also told me that love requires that you open up to people and you let them in - that you trust them to love you in the same way you were built to love them. So how do both of these tie together, what is the connecting thread? I believe the thread is this, God is love. His love for us sees beyond our faults, our inadequacies, or failures and even our self absorbed triumphs. His love for us is so great that he expressed it by giving the best of what he had for those that were considered the least and those who didn't even know his life was his gift.

When we choose to believe in the promise of salvation, to live eternally beginning now, the evidence of our conviction will be in the manner in which we treat others - there is freedom in love. There is pain in love but there is a reward in love - Theodore Roosevelt said, "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never tasted victory or defeat."

There have been so many times I have failed to truly demonstrate to others the same love that Christ has extended to me. There are going to be more times that I may do the same, but I take solace in knowing that my failure has become my strength and in failing, I've learned what it takes to win. That even though life, as it comes may knock me down, I trust that I will have an opportunity to express the faith I have in Christ in the way I treat others, and that my life will not be one that existed, but that it'll exist indefinitely because of the lives I pray I will be able to impact while I'm living. I told my sister that I'd never led anyone to Christ - I now realize that was not the truth - I pray that they will get to see him through me in the way I express his love to them.

What an Evening!!!

There was silent hum of pleasant chatter as the forthcoming event was beginning to unfold. Not even the overbearing heat could bring dissension to the attendants. I was one of those; one of the lucky few who had a chance to see close friends recommit themselves to each other. What can I say about the wonderful caring people that they both are? What can I say about all that I have learned from them, all that they are, and the impact that they have on people's lives? What can I say other than they are both a testament to faithfulness - they both busied themselves with pursuing their passions and in so doing found a mate who's willing and able to continue helping them as they pursue their life's goals.

I truly value and appreciate all that I've come to learn from both of them. They are loyal to their friends and treat what others would call simple as divine. I believe their hearts are in a place that exists as a model for the rest of us. I don't know what you'd call last night's festivities, but during dinner, I was fortunate enough to sit and dine with some of their friends, someone made a remarkable statement, they said, "Jimi and Robert know so many fascinating and accomplished people," to which another at the table said, "I know, when I met Robert, he'd ask how my weekend was. I'd say I watched a movie, and he'd say that he just finished feeding orphans in Mexico and helping with the Burmese people." I sat there and was speechless. All I could think about was passion, leadership and faithfulness. I could only think of those terms because that is how I thought of Jimi. Ever since I have known her, she valued the pleasure of her friends company. Their joys became her joys and she never participated in things out of obligation, but of a true desire to be in whatever space she was occupying. She values friends and family, and I have come to love her as my sister. She is always there and willing to provide the sound counsel and remind me that throwing things at people is rude. I am so happy for her and I believe what her friends said when she said that they know so many fascinating people, but moreso I believe that I'm the fortunate one because I know Jimi and Robert - to me they're the truly fascinating ones.

To continue with the evening, I had so much fun. I had the chance to dance with friends that I hadn't seen in some time, to make new friends, to laugh at shared experiences, to contribute with song, to smile at displays of love and affection, to take pictures with the couple and to see how many jokes Jerry and I could make about getting older and still being single. I got to learn the cha-cha or the meringue, or the salsa, or whatever you call it with Emi. I had the chance to make missteps on the electric slide, which is a shame - every black person knows the electric slide right? I took a trip down memory lane and laughed as 'never trust a big butt and smile' reverberated through the speakers. I was encouraged to continue writing by a fellow writer, I was told I was a professional guitar player but a remarkable, talented guitar player named Ian - be encouraged to continue playing Ian, you have what it takes - trust me. Jimi is my sister and even though she will soon move, distance will not be an obstacle to the friendship I treasure and value. Congratulations and thank you for allowing me to share in your happiness. God bless you.

Peace Part III

The conversation I had with a friend today went in the direction of little to say. It seems her stride truly caught my eye, but then I asked the question why. Why her, and if her why now, perplexed was the furrowed look on my brow. I merely wanted to rest and listen for a while, stare at her smile, resist my denial, understand the voice prompting withdrawal. Poison tastes sweet, its harm hidden in the charm of its chalice, while malice and discontent stain the vessel amidst the tussle betwixt my honor, my shame.

I found myself missing what I hated, disgusted with what I loved. Abandoned by what I honored, and worshipped for their game. This all because I heard a name, one that once brought a tear to my face, but now leaves my head hung in disgrace. She merely passed me with the cloud o'erhead, that lasted longer than my dread. I said goodbye today to that nefarious fiend, and notorious foe, my promised windfall, my missing admirer. If you tell me that hope is free of constraints, I tell you show me a boat that moves with no sails.

Congratulations my Friends

I'm glad I had the chance today -
to hear you say I do.
It would take more than words will ever say -
to express all I've learned from you
May today be yours and each day between -
your impact on me, may seem unseen
Believe me when I say I'm proud of you both
you walk in the gleeful love we all dream of.

Peace Part II

I saw my phone light up with words on the screen, it seemed the words of an angel were being sent to me. In glee, I gandered the courage to read the tale only to see words pelting my hope like hail. I could not but smile knowing in a while, my debt will be paid and I'll see her smile. You know the one that says I won, and your team is done, but I'll return a grin of my own...

Lakers lose...this year.

Kevin Garnett plays basketball with the same passion that Hendrix played the guitar. At times his eyes close and he beats on his chest to admonish his accomplishments and beats on his own head to punish his defeats. He screams and yells into the crowd, in an attempt to get himself jacked up for the game. He was previously, as Jay Z would say, "A man who wouldn't crush a grape in a fruit fight," but tonight he proved otherwise helping to thoroughly dismantle my beloved Lakers in a close out game that will soon be forgotten by many Laker fans.

I have to admit my utter disappointment at the lack of competitiveness the Lakers showed this evening. Instead of swinging the ball, getting aggressive on the boards, taking a charge, playing the passing lanes and consistently stepping up to hit open jump shots, the Lakers looking to force the issue, instead stood around flat footed on 3 point attempts and played defense with their arms instead of their feet and their body. They must have forgotten that Jesus Shuttlesworth has game, Ray Allen was left completely open making 6 three-pointers. Defensively the Laker defenders went underneath screens instead of through them.

Kobe Bryant remains a player I highly respect. He played the game like an assassin, but found himself overwhelmed knowing he had to play the Big 3, who were nearly as talented as he. Right now, Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol, as brilliant as they were all season, don't belong in a conversation for the upper echelon of players in the league. Unfortunately, Kobe does not belong in the same conversation as Michael Jordan. He is the greatest player of our generation but he failed to have - even one Jordanesque moment during the finals.

The Los Angeles Lakers will return next season, and will be tremendously better. They may need to add an interior, physical presence, and some veteran players who will not allow easy layups. With the return of Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol, the Lakers will have a stronger front line. If Lamar can find a way to finish some of the...and 1's he got this year instead of and...maybe, he'd be more formidable. I am an optimist.

The Devil Made Me Do It?

I believe that science is mankind's way of rationalizing the very thing that cannot be explained. I believe that if everything were explainable, could be rationalized, or even be understandable there would not exist that which is not conceivable and there would not be a need to believe in something greater than ourselves. Let me see if I can explain this further. If a scientist were to test his hypothesis, he would formulate a probable solution to the hypothetical problem that he created. As he gathers data, and uses the data to prove his initial theory, the conclusion of the search would then be a result. Now, is the result a true representation of the initial question, or was the data collected and manipulated to come up with an answer along the lines of his own proposed hypothesis?

If I were to write a paper on how to play the guitar, I would look for sources that support my claim, ones who'd be considered the definitive sources for knowing the instrument. But since I am neither a master, nor the one who created the instrument, can I truly say what it means to play the instrument, even though I gathered the techniques and opinions of the best musicians of the instrument, when the concept of music is endless? There are sounds that have yet to be discovered and melodies that have yet to be played. Even the "masters" (e.g. Clapton, Hendrix, Vaughn, Montgomery, Kessel, etc.) would agree. Would my claim be an accurate assessment of the instrument's possibilities when the instrument possesses endless possibilities? Most musicians would say that they are forever students, meaning all that could be learned is not learned because of the infinite variations that exist.

So imagine if you will the problem I had when I watched a film called "Revolver." At the end of the film as the credits were rolling one scientist said that the ego, in order to have someone to blame created the devil to shift blame upon someone other than himself. That mankind, in his quest to protect his ego needed a permanent enemy to shift blame upon. I believe that mankind is his own worst enemy, thus the necessity for God and his will to be the one that we choose above our own will. When judgment comes to mankind it is the individual that must answer to God, he cannot say that the 'devil' is to blame, when he made the choice to commit whatever act that would be considered evil. So to say that the devil is to blame is not entirely true; I believe mankind is drawn away by his own lusts and desires, and that the devil merely creates an avenue for them to be acted upon. Lastly, a man's years upon the earth are limited. There is not enough time, in a man's life to have a concrete answer to an age old question - is the devil real and is God real, or imagined? Are films like "The Exorcist" that demonstrate demon-possession real or imagined ideas? Are curses real or imagined? Are ghosts and spirits real or imagined? Is mankind's belief or assertion that by asking questions he can eventually come to answer them fully an assertion of the scientist's said ego, or is it that God truly is more than we can imagine and his existence greater than what can be explained? Everything in our lives has an opposite, so for good to exist, evil must exist as well.

Just Rambling

I'm too tired to say what is on my mind
I'm going to relax and refresh
So in the morning I hope it's inspiration I find
Good day my friends, to the skies be true
I have a new prayer for You, but you already knew...
That I want you to protect my dad, on his special day
And tell my family I'll love them forever, but more especially on today.

Optimism 91

My heart had a steady thump for the entirety of the game. I saw the Lakers build a commanding lead, impressive to the pundits, awe inspiring to the fans and deflating for the Celtics. But like a movie starring Keanu Reeves, you realize the obvious, a bad line is coming - "I need guns...lots of guns." The Lakers need help, lots of help after losing what would seem an insurmountable lead to the Cs.

I'd like to consider myself an optimist, one that isn't going to count the Lakers out just yet; I'm the guy Ambrose Pierce's (The Devils Dictionary) defined as an optimist - someone who's a proponent of the doctrine that black is white. I know the Lakers look like they're out of it, but I choose to believe that they'll come back winning the next 3 of the last 3 games and end the season as the NBA champions.

Or, I may need to watch more movies starring Keanu Reeves.

Playing Games with Rocks

As a child, my mom and I used to stand at the edge of a pond somewhere in North Carolina. I remember being transfixed on the sheer serenity of it all. Anyway, she'd hand me and my brother smooth stones, and then instruct us to watch her. At that moment, she'd lean back and hurl the rock towards the water. I remember how our mouths dropped open when the rock skipped across the surface, teasing the top of the water about jumping in. My brother and I would lean back, and SPLOOSH; we had a lot to learn.

Grabbing a rock and throwing it was fun. Chuck and I would have games; who threw it the farthest, who hit the target, who could make it skip the most across the water. There came a time when rules were instituted for the rock throwing, the first of which was not to throw them at anyone else. In our exuberance, we did it anyway, but didn't realize how much pain and discomfort we could cause someone else. Seeing the pain that occurred as a result of stubbornness was a lot to take in, but we came to realize the value of the instruction - as a child.

It seems that lesson needs to continually be revisited. The time for playing games with rocks has passed, instead a transition began, one that I didn't even recognize. Those rocks were replaced with judgment and it was judging others that became the game I played. I'd see someone's actions, and compliment them, but then insult them just like skipping a rock. I forgot the first rule, don't throw it at anyone else. I did not realize that it was their heart I teased and hurt at the same time. Their faces would glow upon receipt of the kind words, happiness was glinting at the surface. I could see it in their eyes, and then the words would stop their dance on the surface and plunge into them with a splash. I could see that in their eyes too.

The rocks never went away, instead judgment took it's place. Jesus said, "Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them (Matt. 7:1-2)." What I'd found most disheartening in those closest to me; in my family, in my friends, in my peers were some of the same habits I have. The rules to the games that I used to play have changed. Jesus, the only one qualified to throw a stone - you remember that one, "He who is without sin may cast the first stone..." chose forgiveness, love, acceptance, and redemption. He embraced those who were the target of scorn and ridicule and unified the disenfranchised. Some of the same persons I was willing to dismiss and ignore, were the same ones who welcomed me and attended to me. They bandaged the wounds that were inflicted upon me when my heart was damaged. I'd often repay their love by refusing to drop my own stones. It was in those moments that I realized that "love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)." Most of what I'd inexplicably done to them was forgiven and love was returned.

How often is a hug welcomed with a balled fist and a weapon in hand? Who's trusting of someone armed to hurt them?

Peace Part I

I had the opportunity today, to rest in tranquil places with a serene friend. She sat and she shared the peace that she felt, when alone she’d walk amidst the stillness it kept. I looked in her eyes, and for a moment saw mine and realized that then our souls were intertwined. We both found solace in the absence of cares, those that are drowned out when words don’t have to be said. She had not a word to say, in fact neither did I; quacking ducks and soft music made the waterfall a soloist on stage. As if in a balcony, with the lights turned low, the curtain would open, is it time for the show? I don’t know what the future brings, when my prayer for today is not yet due. I know that my hope for tomorrow runs strong, like a horse on a prairie and angels beneath their wings. I sure hope that tomorrow will let me finish this tale, when two hearts shared one space and peace was on her face.

With Whom will You Dine?

With tomorrow before me
and yesterday now gone
today, temptation abhors me
with it, I won't dine.

Buy (...to be happy?)

We live in a "Buy to be Happy" world, material accumulation has become the commodity that lives are being exchanged for. It seems that many people put a lot of emphasis on what they can come to own or obtain in order to increase the comfort in which they live. I cannot say that I totally disagree with that notion of thinking, thus my problem. It creates an interesting paradox; being a man content with what is mine, and being willing to share what is mine versus acquiring more stuff and keeping it, because it may one day be needed. How do I juxtapose my desire to help those that are less fortunate with my desire to have all of the new "cool" stuff that I know will make me happy - for a moment, I think?

It seems those that have less want more and those that have more want more. I have more stuff than some people, but I still desire more; like a new car, new house and better clothes. The only thing I notice being wrong with that is that I want it for my enjoyment and for my pleasure. It makes me feel selfish, to want more than I need, when there are those who do not even have the necessities that I've come to take for granted - running water, electricity, heat in my home, even having a bed. So the questions I know I ask myself are, do I abandon my desire to feed this happiness guaranteeing facade of materialism? Do I abstain from my dogmatic desires to worship self? Am I willing to help those who are the most in need? Am I able to help, where I'm needed, even it makes me feel uncomfortable?

I'm not sure I know where the middle is and how much I should be willing to help. I guess the apostle Paul was correct when he said to be content in whatever state you're in. Now I ask myself how do I do that when I don't feel content?

Gray?

What does gray mean? Is it the hue you find between two polarizing ends of the color spectrum, black and white, or is it a sign that life is steady beginning its transition – moving from boyhood to manhood, fully realizing your place in the world, your social identity, the fragility of your body and the resolve of your soul. Maybe gray is a testament to survival, a badge of honor, if you will, to mark the triumphant defeat of adolescent angst, and teenage rebellion. Those years you took up ice skating to glide through college, the realization that you're now responsible for all of your own bills, and the cementing weight around your ankles called adulthood – what you want to do having now been replaced with what you have to do. Gray should be a badge that is worn to lead a parade or procession along a championship route. It is my sign that I've endured and I'm ready to tackle the next obstacles life will throw my way. It is my sign that I will leave a mark on this world; it is my sign that I should of plucked the damn thing out this morning when I first saw it.

What Words does Love Use?

Words are so powerful. They convey more meaning than intended at times and are oft misinterpreted. Words are one of the vehicles we use to communicate. I find it amazing that men will say what they were thinking although what they were thinking wasn't articulated in the same way it was thought out. For example, a man may think, "Wow, you look irresistibly stunning, I'm more excited than a jackpot winner" but will say "Honey, I didn't know you were this pretty." It is in such moments, that she may feel like she isn't beautiful to her man all the time? That it requires her to dress up to get attention. She may still look for love and validation by next asking, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" And he, forsaking the intimacy of a moment for the pleasure of laugh will say, "Nope, it's those Twinkies and Ding Dongs you can't stop eating that make you look fat." She will wonder if he lives in a bubble, if he truly loves her, and if he loves her – why would he tell her something he knew for sure would hurt her to her core. Saying words that damage someone's heart is like using a machete to cut strawberries. The fruit will be sliced, but the resulting mess takes time to clean up.

I will never forget how profoundly impacting words; simple words were when they fell upon my ears. I will never forget the lonely walks to my car, the only sounds I could hear being my tears hitting the pavement. Like a thud they'd echo, each droplet a new lyric to a rhythmic pattern of isolation and self loathing - you're too this, and not enough of that, you're great at these things, but not at those. It was when I felt the most damaged, that I secluded in my own world – a world where no one could hurt me again. My own space; I'd be a silent observer to a painful world. I'd be present in presence alone, but I'd keep the best presents I had to offer for only me. How sad. How sad! The only time some words were funny was when they didn't touch me - know what I mean?

I believe that love, when guarded is like living in a bubble. You can see the entire world God has offered, but you're unable to touch it. You can hear it, you can smell it, you can even feel it - but it is not authentic. The touch you feel is behind a plastic shield, being guarded, you can only smell the rich enigmatic aroma delving into your nostrils, but you aren’t able to actually taste the food. Being in the bubble is like hands touching opposite sides of glass, feigning at attempts for contact. I don't want to live in a bubble. I want to take a chance, maybe experience pain, maybe hear something hurtful, maybe wanting to hide, all to know the pleasure of being loved in its truest state. I hope the pain I've experienced has taught something; how to recognize, true love, God's love, a friend's love, a spouse's love when it reaches me? I'd appreciate my journey more, if I walked the path with Jesus rather sitting on a tram hearing a narrated description of my life. It is mine; I choose to live it, how about you?

Now let's go back to that couple, this time the husband asks his wife, "Honey, does this shirt make me look fat?" Love chooses the right words. Love is not selfish. Love is what we’re all searching for, but we have to abandon our "bubbles” to find it. Love responds with love; you know it when you hear it, you recognize it when it’s needed, you feel it when it’s given.

Milestones

I remember the mad dash to grab the camera, the exchange of tears and giddy claps from exuberant parents unhinged with excitement over their chile graduating from preschool, to next venture into painting and naps in kindergarten. Then elementary school, junior high, high school...blah, blah, blah. Isn't that what it seems like as an adult; that there aren't anymore milestones to celebrate or rather any that garner such attention. As a child I hated it, as an adult I crave it. School was a marking of achievements, a place to move on according to your own merit. If you made the grade, you passed, if you didn't, a brief foray into the teenage prison of summer school, and guess what you passed. As an adult, you work hard, you have to work harder, you're promised a promotion and you have to work harder. No one is there to congratulate you on the 2 years of service, long hours, missed family time, paychecks that have moved from hand to mouth to hand to bank then to mouth. No one celebrates adult, or rather unmarried single adult accomplishments, unless of course you're making someone some extra money. I miss the gowns, and the pictures, the smiles and hugs. I miss the family barbecues, the anonymous gifts in the mail. I miss the proud look that was in my parents eyes - it seems now that joy has to come from within.