QQ XVII

I believe everybody has a story, but everybody's story isn't for everyone.

Prayer should precede worry and be the relief when worry begins to resurrect itself.

I think it's funny how we're all searching for the same things, but arrive at much different ways of attaining it.

It is OK to genuinely express your feelings; at some point a transition has to occur, when a boy becomes a man and a girl becomes a woman in mentality and attitude.

If you aren't willing to add a dry log to someone's dreams, walk away before you become a wet blanket.

God doesn't answer prayers in an "almost" fashion. He exceeds our expectations and gives more than we expected.

Don't let the disappointments in life overshadow the happiness, joy and love that can also be found.

Money won't buy you happiness, but having it will pay for things that make you happy - even if it's only temporary.

I can do something great on my terms - as soon as they're in agreement with what God has planned.

What Am I Talking About Now?

When my nephew was born I told my sister that he was beautiful. My dad said, "He can't be beautiful; he's a boy." Indeed he was right, but he missed the intent of my message. My nephew was beautiful because life was just beginning for him. Everything was new, each experience was going to mold and the shape him. He was completely reliant on his mother and father for protection, for love, for survival. He only had one form of communication. Anything that he needed could only be communicated one way. His eyes roamed rooms and landscapes taking in everything. Sometimes I feel that adults are just as defenseless as a child. We exist in a world where something new can and does happen everyday when we take the time to notice.

I experienced the emotions that connect to being wanted, needed and missed. I would not trade any of those moments.

I was encouraged hearing a friend's testimony; she spoke victory over her situation, stood strong in the midst of her trying obstacle, yet embraced and received the prayer I petitioned our Lord for.

A close friend of mine had a baby this week. I held him in my arms. He licked the roof of his mouth and lips savoring one of his first meals (he'd just finished being fed by his mother...I know what you guys were thinking). His aunt said, "I've heard a lot of stories about you. My sister says good things." There I was, a broad shouldered, husky, stout man reduced to smiling to hide from crying; a kind word does go a long way.

I played a little basketball this week; I miss being able to play that game the way that I used to.

I've had conversations with someone who's very matter of fact. The things that are said make them someone I just want to avoid. Sometimes, I don't even want to acknowledge their presence. How terrible is that? I spent a week navigating through the responsibility of being acknowledged and the privilege of being noticed. There are a lot of people out there who don't experience being needed, or wanted, or missed. There are lots who don't know what it is like to acknowledged. What's more ironic is that I've spent the last few weeks belabored over my disdain for their antics and their words and they don't even know it. I've wasted time and energy putting my dislikes in a bottle that's slowly churning and moving towards bitterness. If it's allowed to ferment it will turn to hate. I believe it is time for me to just let it go. Sometimes it's not that simple, but in reality it is that simple.

I was sitting in the chair at the dentist's office. The metal hook was scraping my teeth. It sounded like a medieval knight sharping his sword with a stone. My ears were ringing and all of my muscles were tense; my body felt like I'd spent 1/2 an hour doing isometric exercises. My dentist then proceeded to say something profound to me. I marinated on it a while; taking risks means there's a chance of failure, but the reward for success makes it all worth it.

Here are some random questions...

Is R. Kelly a free man today because his 'alleged' victims were black?

Why are we so subject to fear; fear leads to buying things we don't need because we think we'll need them to trying to fix things that aren't broken because were afraid it will...and the list goes on and on and on.

Prince said in a song, "Money won't buy you happiness, but it will pay for the search." I've been lucky enough to find it, how do you help those who haven't?

People want to be valued, shown love, and desired - what do I mean? Sometimes people want the attention of being needed whether it's for fun, for loving, or for intimacy.

Children are the epitome of impressionable; attention should always be paid to what is said.

An old man asked me yesterday why people don't pick up pennies, I told him that I do - enough of them will make a dollar. He told me he survived the depression, and that his father was making $15 a week. He went on to say how his family lost their home because his father couldn't afford to pay his $35 a month mortgage. Have times changed all that much?

It is OK to let people love you; get yourself out of the way so you can receive it when it happens.

I heard a saying on Sportscenter about a young man, 18 years old, who lost his life to cancer; courage + belief = life. My dad would always tell me I'm courageous when I'd do something that I was deftly afraid of. Life itself is a gift, a true, true gift of God.

Some people wish for money, I pray I never wish for love.

James Taylor was right; shower the people you love with love...I sound like a hippie huh?

As I was leaving a friends house yesterday, I went and hugged Jazz. I said, "Bye buddy." Her little sister, 2 and 1/2 years old followed behind me. When I finished my hug, she wrapped her arms around her older sister's legs and repeated, "Bye Buddy." She gave me a high five and then said, "Tunkle Bewillis, gib Daddy one!" She lifted his hand and laughed when I gave her dad a high five too. She is a beautiful child. I saw the vibrant appreciation of life from the elderly and impressionable minds of the young yesterday, I loved every moment of it.

The Kiss Cam

I went to the Lakers game on Tuesday. I went to a friend's house and we all piled into his car and made our way down there after we stopped at McDonald's. I was really excited, I was going to get a chance to see Kobe, the 3 time NBA champion, reigning MVP of the league, Olympic gold medalist - the best player in the world, and he got hurt in the 2nd quarter. The first thing I thought was, I skipped small groups to finally see Kobe play and he got hurt. All the games I watched on T.V. he was healthy, and I get to see him and he gets hurt. For $25 it was worth it. The couple of times he scored, he scored at ease. He is a great player.

During the game, the Kiss Cam was on. The camera's panned around to different couples in attendance. The first couple looked up on the monitor, saw themselves, then leaned over and kissed each other. This was the scene as the camera continued moving through couples. The audience responded with heartfelt oohs and ahhs seeing the couples in their displays of affection...then it got weird. Next, it stopped on an older, distinguished looking gentlemen. He was sitting next to, who I assume to be, his wife. She was dressed as if she just left the office, business slacks and a nice blouse. The camera zoomed in on them, he leaned over, started to close his eyes and stuck his tongue all the way out of his mouth and began to lick his wife's face. She was thoroughly embarrassed and his antics received a rousing ovation from the folks in attendance. The next husband, not to be outdone by the former, reached over and fondled his wife's breast during their kiss. I was like, hey man there's kids here, which apparently didn't cross his mind. Then a moment occurred that garnered boo's and jeers. A young man was sitting next to his 'soon to be ex' girlfriend tying his shoes. Their pictures appeared on the monitor. She looked up, saw herself and started giggling. She moved her hand, that was covering her mouth and tapped her boyfriend on the shoulder. He stopped tying his shoe and looked over at her. She pointed to the monitor and he waved. He didn't know that it was a kiss cam. She reached over grabbed his chin and leaned in to give him a kiss - just as their lips were about to touch he pulled away. Keith and I started laughing uncontrollably, booed him and the jokes started. The camera man went to another couple, another kiss, some more ooh's and ahh's then they panned back to the young couple. She wasn't smiling this time. She was pissed and he was slumped down in his chair - the audience booed him unmercilessly. My first thought was, I hope he enjoyed dating her because it's over now.

Here are some random thoughts:

Trust requires becoming humble enough to realize that you need help.

There is truth in Matthew 7:6, "Don't waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don't throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you." Some people don't need to know what's important to you. They don't value your dream the same way you might because they aren't invested in it, the same as you are.

I want to do something great on my terms. I have no desire to live out other people's hopes and dreams for me.

I learned a valuable lesson this week, we are perceived in the same manner we imagine ourselves to be received.

If you want to fail at something, believe that you will.

Everyone needs love, even those that think they don't.

I want the freedom of ownership; the commitment to it is what scares me.

S.S. Bees

I went to the movies yesterday. I saw "The Secret Life of Bees," I had no other motivation for seeing it beyond the fact that I knew Alicia Keys was going to be in it. I found myself, about 2/3rds of the way through the movie listening to a symphony of sniffles as the the film reached one of its many climatic emotional moments. The film was playing, and the scene fell silent. I took a moment to look around the theater. Hearing all the sniffles at first made me laugh. I thought, "Man, all of these ladies are crying." The friend that I went with cried enough for me to think I'd have to start treading water soon. I begged her to chill out because I wasn't wearing a life preserver. Her sniffles of runny snot moistening her face from her eyes to her chin continued. I still found myself amused until one moment. I looked a few rows in front of me and saw two women sitting beside each other. They were older women, and they were completely engulfed in the story flickering like the northern lights before them in the darkened room. The sad scene occurred and as I was looking around to snicker at the emotions I was trying myself to contain, I noticed that they were still upset. They were still crying after the scene had ended. They hugged each other and were talking softly, almost as if they were consoling each other. Immediately my heart went out to them. I wondered what could have happened in their past to have made them react as they did. The sad moment was over, the symphony of sniffles had ended, but their tears continued to flow. That is when I felt the lump starting to build in my throat. I desperately wanted to leave my seat and find out what their story was. I will never know why they were so upset, but I guess that they'd experienced a loss of someone they loved, someone who was close to them, someone they looked forward to seeing and someone they missed when they were leaving. I began to think of all the people that I have in my life like that. I'm sure a symphony of sniffles will be the song that I sing soon. God has blessed me to have friends who I've come to love as family. Many of them have aspirations that will take them from San Diego. I will miss them terribly, but will rejoice in knowing that they had the courage to pursue their passions.

I Miss You Bo - Bo

I was able to sit and listen to some music tonight. I listened to a melody as it danced on my ears and slowly soothed my soul. Lyrics such as, "all my sins to bear," and "If it had not of been," were music to my ears. I've felt a bit conflicted of late. I feel I've lost the ability to be optimistic and forgiving. It is a skill that everyone living needs, but not everyone has. It reminds me of a moment I had with my great grandmother. She and I sat in her bedroom and she rocked back and forth in her chair. She'd slowly lift up her magnifying glass, hold it over her newspaper, read the clue, and then lean her head back in her rocking chair. She recite the clue out loud to herself, lean forward and write the answer, T R U T H for 3 down, U N D E R S T A N D I N G for 6 across. I edge to the edge of my seat, and ask my question, being sure to project my voice. I'd say, "Grandma, with all of the hate, racism, sexism, and discrimination you experienced, why aren't you angry?" I was confused as to how she could be so peaceful, so full of love, so willing to accept the same people who'd mistreated her - she replied, "Son, I don't have the time or the energy to be full of hate, b'sides Jesus told us to love our neighbor didn't he." Yes he did Grandma, yes he did. You may be wondering why I'm speaking on this or thinking about this. I guess I missed her today. I've been telling a lot of stories lately about things that she did that amused me, but I'll never forget how much she blessed me. I'll never forget how much I learned from her. I guess I'll never forget how important she remains to me. She loved to gather all of us in her arms, kiss our (i.e., me, my brother and my sister) faces and tell us how much she loved us. She'd say, "Come here my beautiful grandchildren and give me some sugar." I wish all of you who read my blog would have had a chance to meet her. She was love and proved everyday I was able to spend time with her. I miss you Bo - Bo; that's what we used to call her.

QQ XVII

So I got a sweet tooth last night and tried to make homemade caramel; didn't go so well. My house smells like a firepit at a campsite. Where are those Santa Ana's when you need it?

Dodgers are down 3-1, with a game tonight. I believe the Sox are down 3-1 as well. I was hoping for a Dodgers vs. Red Sox World Series; redemption for Torre and a chance for Manny to stick it to Boston. Let's hope.

Tonight is the final debate; McCain is behind in the polls and Obama seems to be moving ahead. At this point it's his election to lose.

I got a chance to eat dinner with PB and T last night; good times. T has a smile and a look in her eyes that scream authentic - there isn't a pretentious bone in her body. She always makes you feel important, imagine that - listening means something.

Roy Williams was traded to the Cowboys; that team has already imploded and we're not even at the half way point. I can't wait to see T.O. have a meltdown when Williams has more catches and TDs when Romo returns.

Kobe Bryant has been offered 83 million dollars by a Greek basketball team, his own villa, a personal staff and use of chartered yacht. Incredible that someone could earn that much money playing basketball.

Vote YES on Prop 8.

Late Night Ramblings...

I keep finding myself on the opposite end of some of my Christian friends political opinions. With the same wide eyed, open mouthed, ghastly sighs of displeasure I feel burning through my head when they're looking at me, I may (a time or two) have passed the same looks and feelings towards them. I think this is because when it comes to religion, money, family and politics - opinions become truth; those that contrast our own become lies.

Some More Thoughts...

Small Group went really well last night. I've found that I have one perspective and it differed from the one that was offered up by Tina; she illustrated that in problems she waits to see what God is going to do next. I've said that when I deal with problems I question God about why I have to go through the same thing again - like, why aren't his blessings permanent so we aren't ever in need of the same thing twice. In reading Mark 8, Jesus fed the 4000 when before that he had just fed the 5000. Even Jesus lamented that the people would never be able to receive a sign because they couldn't acknowledge the signs that were already presented to them.

Loneliness is one of the worst feelings on the planet; I think we all experience it at one point or another. The chasm the feeling creates is hard to overcome sometimes.

One thing that I find amusing is the show Parental Control. I like to watch it before SportsCenter sometimes. The black men are never picked when the parent's daughter is not black. Sometimes I get the impression the parents are saying to themselves, "As bad as my daughter's boyfriend is, she could do worse if she were to date a black man." Amusing, and tragic at the same time.

My dad graciously provided me with a quote by Anais Nin, "We don't see things the way that they are, we see things the way we are." I wonder what my previous opinion says about me?

I grew up in church and remember hearing my mom tickle the ivory and sing:
Jesus is the answer, for the world today
Without him there's no other
Jesus is the way
I heard that my whole life, but still struggle to believe it. The only way "the way" will work is if you allow him to lead.

Tina made a great comment last night, "The man who stops moving is the man who becomes bored with life and questions God." Life is not meant to be lived on the sidelines; we are to engage in it.

A friend and I laughed pretty hard last night, in fact most of the laughter was directed toward me. I was trying to parallel park, I backed up, pulled forward, turned the wheel, changed direction, waited for cars to pass, looked in the rearview mirror, peered over the edge of the hood when I heard, "How long is it going to take you to park man!?" We got out of the car and as we made our way down the hill on foot, laughter bellowed from our mouths. Who knew bad driving could be so funny.

A good friend of mine asked me if I could write about something that makes me happy as opposed to the angst ridden, pessismistic realism that often paints me as a cynic; if only the world were a better place, if only I truly believed what Jesus says!? Knowledge is an adherence to a fact, belief is the application of that knowledge. Knowlege without application is folly. Love is received when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. To trust God means making ourselves vulnerable to his love by applying the knowledge we learned which build up trust to encourage and support our belief. I'm glad that grace is the first gift he gave.

I believe that life is to be lived and enjoyed, embraced and overcome and everyday is a gift. Anais Nin also said that "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." I'm blessed to have known and know people who look at everyday as a blessing and live like each day is a gift.

A Few Thoughts...

Sometimes I feel like I live a semi-charmed kind of life, one where expectations and reality haven't met, but needed is a bridge for me to get from one side to the other. I've heard words and phrases that emphasize a need to walk wholly in the suit God's given me and I've heard words and phrases that are people's pleadings for me to walk fully holy in the life God's blessed me with. Seems life has been passing me by because I've refused to listen to those calls - I wasn't always able to hear them, even though I was the one saying them...at times.

Being selfish produces more frowns than smiles; believe that!

Not all advice is good advice; good advice will make you think twice. It will entice your ears, tickle your heart, plead with your head, and coerce your feet to movement.

I'd like to live a life to where when my name is heard it garners respect, instead of always having to prove that I'm deserving of it.

The saying, "Truth hurts" is very true - it does.

I like seeing my friends smile. I took a trip down memory lane with a friend today - memories bridge the past with the present - seems they produced laughs and joy in both instances.

I miss having a reason to smile, it's easy to forget that just having life is reason enough.

QQ XVI

There is a saying that is heard often during basketball games. The announcer will look at a player who seems to be doing too much, trying to play a style of game that isn't his own (e.g., Shaq shooting 3's and running the point); he'll say, "He needs to stop pressing and just let the game come to him" - I was reminded last night to stop pressing, to stop trying to play a 'game' that isn't my style.

Sometimes the announcer and the coach will say, "This player will have success when he let's the game come to him instead of trying to force his 'game' on the game" - I was reminded to relax and be myself, I don't have to perform my personality, I can just be me!

I was told this week that discipline will give me freedom. A great basketball player (i.e. Magic Johnson) is great because he masters the basics and fundamentals of the game which allows him to do the sensational. The same applies to all areas of life; mastering the rules allows the freedom to defy them.

If you haven't read, "Where We Belong, A Duet" by Maya Angelou, do so; I'm going to patiently wait for my "promised sunshine."

I like to say to people, the only way to get experience is if someone gives you an opportunity to attain some. The same applies to trust, the only way to build trust is to give someone an opportunity to be trusted. Should I give God more opportunities, or shall I take advantage of the opportunities he gives me?

Chris Rock said that people have more than enough time when they have a job, but can't seem to find enough time when they have a career - it makes me wonder which I have; I've experienced both feelings on the same days.

In Memory of Richard

There is a man who passed this week, and with pain in my cheeks I've tried to fight back tears. I chose to smile instead at the memories he left me with. He smiled, at all times, despite what his body was experiencing. From car accidents, to surgery, to weight loss, to triumph, and even in defeat, he never quit on himself, those that were around him or the relationship that he had in God. Every moment I saw him, and I stopped to ask if he was ok, he always said that he was fine and that God would bring him through. He never took a moment to feel sorry for himself or wish his pain on others. He never blamed anyone else for any of the problems he was having in his life. He looked at challenges as opportunities for God to have the victory and he was always the first to say and give credit to the one who brought him through.

It fills my heart with sadness that he is no longer here, but more importantly that sadness hides a peace that assures me he's at home with his Lord. I am sure he is dancing there - my boy was not afraid to cut up a rug. I'm sure he's running the soundboard in the worship room of heaven, soon to teach the newbies the right way to roll up a chord. This man has taught me more than he will ever know. He has taught me the value of trust and the value of love. He has taught me that I have two choices when an obstacle is before me, I trust that I will look at life with the same fervor he did and believe that there is a better day before me. Rest in peace my friend - I look forward to the day you remind me that my guitar is too loud.

QQ XV

I envy the celebrations baseball players have over a walk-off home run or a no hitter. It would be so nice if the same happened when you met your metrics at work or completed a project.

I wish time travel was possible; I would have flown home and been in church to see my father recognized for his work in his community. He is still my hero.

When I was a child, I loved to sit and listen to my mom play the piano and sing. I'd just come into the room with a book or a pillow and lay back listening to her belt out holy tunes. Those moments make me look forward to heaven, I'm sure it's a place that is also full of song.

I gave advice to a friend; I told him, "Great risk, great reward - little risk, little reward," then I cowered at the prospect of having to follow it myself.

In 1855 Joseph Scriven penned the lyrics, "O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." I'm finding that to be true. There is nothing worse than knowing the answer to a problem and refusing to use it. Some people call that stubbornness, rebellion, independence, a free spirit; the only word that's befitting the omission is stupidity.

One thing I admire about America is the freedom to which we can openly criticize, objectify, and lament over what we consider absurd, sophomoric, indisputable ignorant acts of the president without taking a minute to realize that he was re-elected; as bad as people feel he's been, how bad must Kerry have been not to have won?

I hate that critics say Barack will get the black vote, as if blacks will blindly vote for the only person of color on the ticket. The Rev. Al Sharpton, nor Jesse Jackson were able to make it this far in their bids. For as long as I can remember, my family had open discussions about presidential canditates, watched the debates and would sit around amongst ourselves to talk about the issues and who best represents what is important to us as individuals. I don't believe this time to be any different, and I do not speak for all Black Americans, but when the term is used it includes me. This will be an historic election for a multitude of what can be defined as firsts:
1. If McCain wins he'll be the oldest person to be elected president.
2. If Obama wins, he'll be the first African American to be elected President.
3. Should McCain win, Palin will be the first female vice president.

Personally, McCain's reluctance to generate new ideas, or probable solutions is infuriating...Senator McCain, why do you feel the bailout package failed to pass...well, thank you for asking, when I was in Vietnam...I don't believe this is a time for story telling.

What I love about politics and religion is the devotion its parishiners retain - in politics and religion, you believe that that which you believe is the absolute truth. I guess that's why opposing opinions and views are so polarizing.

I like that absolute morons have a chance to win multiple thousands of dollars by making a fool of themselves on national television. Our country is so media obsessed that I sit here judging those who purposely objectify themselves, then pass judgment on them, while they're sitting at home with a nice nest egg for a lifetime of humiliation - doesn't seem like a fair trade to me...