Who's Meeting Me at Home?

Stressed out. I started to again feel stressed out when I went to the gym this morning. There was a time when I loved going, because going meant that I was in a space that I could relax, lift some weights and release the tension that I'd experienced through the week. For the last year or so, the gym felt different. I felt a pressure to get in shape and occupy a different body. For some reason, the gym started to represent scorn, bad memories, shame, hurt and every now and then, a place where I'm in competition with the silent attendees who don't even know I'm competing against them. I'd have a thought, based off my own insecurity, "They're probably in a great relationship because they're in great shape." How pathetic was it to think that way. I am in a great relationship. To continue, the feelings I had about the gym were really just misplaced angst and frustration.

There was a time when I loved me, when I didn't question my worth, or who I was in Christ. But, one day, I put all of my hope and desire for love in one basket. I was like the kid who refused to share his Easter eggs in the spring. I even took some from others and hoped that by making my basket the fullest, I'd be seen as the most valuable. What I didn't realize is that the eggs in that basket were cracked. It was because I didn't take the time to place them in there with the same care that someone giving a gift would. If you're wondering what I meant here, email me and we can discuss it. I was at work yesterday, listening to my iPOD, and a song came on. I believe the lyrics were meant for a man and a woman who'd experienced the pain of a break-up, but all I could think about was God. How everything that's happened to me, and that happens, leads me straight to the Lord. The lyrics went:

I set out on a narrow way
Many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
Along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept
Pushin' through
I couldn't see how every sign
Pointed straight to you

When the song began, I thought about that first line. How setting out down the path that God has for us is sometimes challenging and often seems daunting. But God in his divine power and love, is able to bless us in every space that we occupy, even when we cannot see it. People may ask, how does this occur in tragedy? I believe it occurs in having peace. Nothing can take the place of peace. The chorus continues:

That every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I've spent
Just passin' through
I'd like to have the time I lost
And give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan
That is comin' true

I took up going to the gym to try and win back a love for myself that was taken when my heart was broken. Over this last year I realized that the broken heart came as a result of not being loved in the same way I wanted to love, but wasn't ready to love. Whether for myself or someone else, I wasn't ready. The road was broken, the times were difficult. I wished for someone to be there, who wasn't there, who used to be there, but can't be there. That space, I learned, was not for that someone else. That space is for my first love. Jesus is my first love. He was the one who met me at the altar. He was the one who comforted me when my great grandmother passed. He's the one who dried my tears when my parents divorced. He's the one who protected my brother when he was in Iraq. He's the one who saved my brother and I from drowning. He's the one, who watched movies with me and went to concerts with me and read books with me and ate meals with me. It was Him. The pain was the broken road, but home was with Jesus. I met him again through all of the friends and family who showed me to love myself the way that God loves me. I now feel equipped to love like that again, without restraint, with all of my heart and with a desire to bless the other person.

Lyrics were from "Bless the Broken Road" by the Rascal Flatts. Yep, they're a country band.