What am I Talking About Now?

It has been a long and arduous process, but I am beginning to realize that I alone suffer the greatest loss as a result of being apathetic. The people around me may not receive the best that I can offer at times, and they may be inconvenienced, but the resulting lack of hard work directly affects me. Whether it be the attention I pay to my diet (i.e., my health), or the attention that I pay to ministry (i.e. growing closer to God), or the attention I pay to the ones that are closest to me (i.e., my family); I will be the one living with regret if I don't change. My dad, a wise, sensitive and gentle man once said to me, "Son, of the two; it is better to live with remorse than it is to live with regret." I shake my head sometimes when I stand on a shore line watching the sun begin its descent to hide behind the water at how marvelous God is and how much he orders the universe and how disillusioned and miserable I've felt in the midst of it all because I've not taken the responsibility to act upon my regrets. Sleeping long hours, or hiding behind hobbies doesn't do anything to change regrets. Being afraid to fail, and using that as an excuse, makes 32 years seem like a long time to realize that it is better to have failed with no excuses than to have failed from not trying. There are things that I want out of life that I am hungry for. I feel as though I've held them in my hand, just long enough to realize they're there but not long enough to enjoy them. The dreams that I have for myself ease out of my hands with the same ease that it took me to get them. I have come to believe that you appreciate what you have to fight the hardest for. I know that much to be true of myself. I miss the feeling of accomplishing that thing, that one thing that you have to change your whole life to attain. I remember being in the 10th grade in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We had just gotten in a new teacher and a basketball coach who was an avid runner and former collegiate track and field athlete. He told us all, those that wanted to play on the basketball team, that if we even wanted to try out, we had to run a mile in under 6:30. I have been a bit overweight since I was in junior high school. I would always walk when we had to run the mile in P.E. classes in junior high and high school. I never received very good marks in P.E., funny considering that I could and would play football and basketball from dawn to sunset. Anyway, my dad and I went started going to the track a month before tryouts. I wanted to play on the team so badly that anything he suggested, I did. We started with wind sprints of 100 yards, at the end of that 100 yds, I had to either do 10 push-ups or 10 jumping jacks. I was so exhausted, I was spewing vomit like a pressure cooker releases steam. I got up the next morning and practiced my shot, and went jogging. My initial times were a little over 8 minutes, but I stuck with it. On the day we were all supposed to run in order to try out for the team, I ran the mile in 6:24 seconds. I nearly passed out from the nausea and exhaustion. I made the team. I felt so good that I had overcome areas of weakness to accomplish my goal. I miss that feeling immensely. Even more so, I've lived with regret and remorse at not being willing to motivate myself to do the same for me now. I plan to change that. My friends and family have always loved me enough to tell me the truth. I have not regrets for that!