Walking Into 2009

Today is January 1st, the first day of a new year, and the first time that I am going to look forward with excitement at what is ahead instead of what has fallen behind. However, I am reminded of a saying that I once heard - in order to know where you are going, you have to know where you came from. So, I ask myself this question, where did I just come from?

The birds are singing outside, their small voices seem to be praising God for allowing them to see the sun rise and to be the first to be heard thanking God that it did. I don't hear traffic, the steady hum of cars passing on the freeway, I don't hear the click, clack of high heels scurrying to their cars, I don't hear car alarms beeping as they're turned off, engines running, lawnmowers chopping down grass - I hear birds singing. The birds sing every morning, but today their song is especially gratifying. I've felt like a child that sits brewing at hearing a "No" from his/her parents, feeling like the parent hates them, doesn't love them, doesn't care about what they've asked for or what they feel like they need, only to grow up and realize that "No", especially when they have the power to say "Yes" is probably the greatest gift they could give. They loved that child enough to say "No" but the child doesn't realize the power in that "No" until many years pass. After those many years, the child will sing the praises of their parents, with vigor the same as birds in the early morning. I find myself comparable to that child when I think about my relationship with God. I want to sing the song that the birds sing, but I've had trouble realizing the love in hearing "No."

I left a small gathering last night, and on the drive home, there were no incidents. The fog was heavy, heavy enough to cause me to have to use my windshield wipers. Heavy enough for me to have to slow down so I could see where I was going. I didn't want the speed of my car to exceed my visibility. Ironic, that the bible tells me that the word of God is like a lamp unto my feet. A lamp, at your feet only allows you to see just far enough to take the next step. It doesn't matter if you hold it up over your head and try to make out figures and objects many yards in front of you, your range of sight is limited. You find yourself having faith that if you keep moving, you'll reach your destination. I found myself realizing last night that if I wanted to get home, I had to keep moving. The fog was so heavy that even though I'd been home before, along the same route many times, I was required to drive slow enough to let the headlights provide a path for me to get home. I had to have faith that I would get there, even though I couldn't see the way. When did I stop realizing that God is the light that cuts through fog, illuminates the night and pierces the darkness?

I heard some of the most beautiful prayers in my life last night. I heard prayers from people who were so in love with God that tears of joy rolled off of their cheeks. I heard prayers of people so thankful for who God was in their life, who God is in their life, and who God will continue to be. I sat reminiscing on the days when I was that in love. It warmed my heart to see it and to hear it from my friends. It broke my heart to realize that I wasn't "feeling" it anymore. My dad would always tell me that he didn't care how I felt about doing something, if I was told to do something, I was expected to do it. When I went to grade school and was made fun of, my classmates didn't care about how their jokes made me feel, they continued on their unrelenting rampage of belittlement and ridicule. I learned lessons then that I feel like God has been trying for 30+ years to strip away from me...I reached into a box last night, after I'd prayed, "God help me to realize that my will is not your will. God help me to release this anger that has been building in my heart towards you." I held the card closer to my face, and it read, "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer. My God is my rock in whom I take refuge. He is the shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold" (Psalms 18:2). I realized immediately, regardless of how I felt and how I was feeling that he was always there and always has been there.

The traffic is picking up now. It sounds like a steady hum of a tuba with an occasionally horn bellowing a single note. Big trucks, small cars and fast motorcycles are again sprinting around the freeways like bugs in a field of flowers. Life has resumed, life in California has taken off. People are busy getting where they "have" to go, and working to get what they "have" to have. It is easy to lose the ability to be patient with God and his way of showing love when you live in an instant world. Even the birds have stopped singing, but only momentarily. The only time I quit hearing them is when I quit listening for them.

So where am I going now? Where have I been and where am I going? What is the first thing that I am going to look forward to with excitement? Only the year will tell. I am thankful to have been able to see a new one begin, and even happier for what it holds. I am even more thankful for my sister taking some time to pray for me last night. I am elated that my friends "see" me and love me anyway. I am glad that I go to Experience Church; being a part of that family is one of the greatest highlights of my life to this point.

Some thoughts that I take into the year:

Having the ability for excellence but settling on mediocrity, is the equivalent of being lazy.

Nobody remembers losers, choose carefully where you want to win.

For everything you blame on others, some of the fault has to be at your own feet.

Life is a gift, treat it as such!

Bad memories always override the good ones, be a good memory for the people around you.

Learn the power of forgiveness, it will change your life when you learn how to forgive yourself.

We all want what we don't have...learn the value of what you do have, it may change your perspective on what you "think" you're lacking.

Oh, one more thing...in iTunes they have celebrity playlists. I'm not a celebrity, but here's the playlist I started my day with...

1. "Come On (Let the Good Times Roll)" by Jimi Hendrix

2. "Good Morning Heartache" by Billie Holiday

3. "And I am Telling You I'm Not Going" Jennifer Holliday

4. "Adore" Prince

5. "Audience of One" Big Daddy Weave

6. "City Boy" Keb' Mo'

7. "Sideways" Santana featuring Citizen Cope

8. "His Way" Den Q.

9. "Heaven" Los Lonely Boys

10. "Can't Get You Off My Mind" Lenny Kravitz

11. "Come Back Baby" Eric Clapton

12. "Healer" Hillsong

I welcome 2009. I cannot wait to see what this year holds. Like my sister said to me last night, this year is it's own; don't carry any pain or frustration that you had last year into this one. Believe that God is leading you down the right path, be patient enough to follow His leading...how did she get so wise?